Stephen Black

From Daily Planet Staff Reports

HENDERSONVILLE — Stephen Black, a controversial free-lance columnist for the Hendersonville Times-News, fielded questions from the audience for 30 minutes following his address at an Aug. 13 program in Kaplan Auditorium in the Henderson County Public Library.

About 160 people — a capacity crowd — attended Black’s talk, which was sponsored by Friends of the HCPL.
A man asked if Black has “any friends downtown or in the mayor’s office.”

“In the mayor’s office — hell, no!” Black replied with a smile.

A woman asked how much trouble Black got into in high school.

“When I was there,” meaning not often, Black said of his high school days. He noted that he skipped classes, but the principal made a deal with him because neither wanted to see each other any more.

Another questioner asked about Black’s educational background.

“I went — more or less — through high school. Then, I went into the Marine Corps,” he said.

After his military career ended, he grew strawberries and other produce and ran a greenhouse.

With a grin, he noted that “I started dating this woman — and we went to a couple of movies at the drive-in.” Black noted that “I only had one idea about a drive-in,” but his date — a fundamentalist Christian — had other ideas. “Instead of getting into her pants, I ended up a minister.”

As a missionary, he did some Jewish and migrant evangelism, including working with some impoverished migrant children near wealthy Palm Beach, Fla.

“Meeting kids covered with sores and starving to death — that was the best education I ever had,” Black said. “Since then, I have always” battled for the poor and disempowered.

He added that, in his youth, he lived six months per year in Florida, where his father was a produce grower. “I hated South Florida,” Black said, noting that the Hendersonville area always has been his favorite.

Another questioner asked Black about his feelings toward dogs.

“I love dogs,” Black replied.

He then told of a chained-up, starving, stray dog for which “only the rain that God had put in its bowl kept him from dying of thirst.”

Eventually, he no longer could tolerate the mistreatment of the dog and, “Marine Corps-style, I busted down the lock, the fence” and freed the dog. “That was my first dog.”

His second dog previously belonged to a woman who died. In the aftermath, her husband was working “all of the time” and “didn’t know what to do” with the dog, triggering an offer from Black to take it as his own.

Instead, “the man offered to give me the dog for a Christmas present,” which Black gladly accepted.

A woman asked when Black would do another column on “There oughtta be a law....”

He is working on one now, Black said. “Also, I’m doing another column on rainy days ... If anyone noticed, the last time a wrote a column on rainy days, it rained.” Black joked that he “promised God” to reform if it rained — and it did. However, Black admitted that he still misbehaves.

A woman asked how long it takes Black to write a column.

“I used to say, “As long as it took to drink a bottle of whiskey.’ Now, I don’t drink any more, so it takes me a little longer.”

Another woman asked about frequent joking in his columns about Hendersonville’s scheme to kill tourists with its numerous four-way stop signs.
“As a native, I must say it’s not a bad idea,” Black said. “As a humanitarian, though, no....”

A woman noted that, based on Black’s frequent use of profanity in his address and the Q&A, “I assume from your language that you’re no longer a preacher.” She also asked if Black had married the woman “from the drive-in.”

Black replied that he no longer is a preacher — and that he did not marry the woman from the drive-in. “I married another woman, who’s wonderful.” Then, Black backtracked with a blush, and noted that the woman from the drive-in was wonderful, too.

A woman asked if Black ever got writer’s block?

“Not any more than I get constipated,” he quipped.

A man asked, “Do you ever write about the politicians in Raleigh?”

“No,” Black replied, “I’ve got enough on my plate” with tweaking Western North Carolina’s politicians.

A man wondered if Black ever wrote about the current Hendersonville mayor (Greg Newman).

“I’m thinking about the decision to let car washes go on (operating), when we have to let our toilets stink and yards die” with mandatory water rationing, Black said in an oblique answer to the question.

“Water is a gift from heaven — not to waste” cleaning up machinery,” he added, prompting applause from the audience.
“Any suggestions for the gas pump” situation? a man asked in reference to the skyrocketing prices of gasoline.

“Alka-Seltzer!” Black quipped. “I really don’t see any hope for the pump.”

“How many children do you have?” a woman asked.

“Two,” Black replied, noting that they both turned out well. “We disciplined them when they needed it — and loved them, when they needed loving.”

He added, “My problem today is we don’t do parenting any more — we do chaffeuring.”

A man asked about Black’s views on the immigration problem in the U.S.

“It never bothered me until the illegal aliens marched on Washington — and turned things upside down,” Black answered. “I wish to God we could let everyone in the world into our country, but we can’t.”