The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

Woman urged to move out, raise standards

This year, I’ve been going through the process of divorcing my husband. We’re on good terms and share joint custody of our children. The same night we separated, I inadvertently met someone. I was asking for directions to the restroom and ended up spending the evening with him. After staying with him for a few weeks, I just moved in instead of getting my own place. We haven’t had sex yet — I believe in waiting until I’m married — but I believe I’ve found the man for me. We’ve discussed marriage and starting a family, he accepts my relationship with my ex, and understands my commitment to my children. But, everyone’s warning me I’m moving too fast. Am I wrong for following my heart?
— Confused In Love

You aren’t one of those cheap and easy girls who’s all, “He had me at hello.” No, with you it was, “He had me at ‘Turn left and you should see the ladies’ room.’”

Of course, you won’t have sex with a guy just because he knows directions to the toilet; you’ll only move in with him. This must be a great comfort to your children: “Hey, kiddiepoo ... Mommy just shacked up with a near stranger! There, there ... no need for tears! After all, Stranger Man and I aren’t ‘doing it’ yet, and don’t plan to until we get hitched ... which we’ll do just as soon as I finish divorcing Daddy!”

Are you wrong for “following (your) heart”? Apparently, you haven’t heard, but your heart isn’t the organ with the brain cells. I’m guessing you’ve also been doing some thinking with your left lung and other organs not well-suited to the task, as evidenced by your remark, “He accepts my relationship with my ex, and understands my commitment to my children.” And you know this how? Because he said so, the second night, after he made room for your bras and underwear in his sock drawer?

I’m all for a seize-the-day style of living — if you’re a birth-control aficionado like me who refers to herself as “Barren!” But, the right to put your needs, whims and desires first ends the day you push out something that calls you “Mommy.”

You don’t mention where your kids are sleeping, but let’s hope “shared custody” doesn’t mean they’re rooming with you and what’s-his-name. Even if they’re not, your commitment to your children should include keeping your home environment as stable as possible and not acting like an utter idiot — and teaching them to act like utter idiots by example.

While you claim “I believe I’ve found the man for me,” you really have little idea what you’ve found — except maybe a guy who’s desperate and needy enough to commit to living together before the first date. The fact that you’re probably equally desperate and needy doesn’t make you two a perfect match — just emotionally unhealthy in the same way.

You can’t really know somebody until you’ve spent a serious chunk of time with them.

You need to get a place of your own and spend time alone until you find it nuts to say some guy’s the guy for you because you have yet to explore all the ways he isn’t.

With that as your standard, of course this guy seems perfect for you — as will countless others: “Be a dear, put down that bloody ax and guide me to the ladies’ room, will you?”

Abstain remover
This girl I’m dating won’t have sex before marriage. Normally, I’d walk away, but we have lots in common, and have a great time together. Still, I’m only 24, nowhere near ready for marriage. Should I keep seeing her and hope she’ll eventually be overcome by lust?
— Nun For Me

There are those people who wait to find out whether they’re sexually compatible with somebody until after they’ve signed a contract to spend the rest of their life with them.

In fact, I get letters all the time from those who tied the knot with abstain-till-marriage types — only to find out that they’re abstain-after-marriage types, too.

I understand that people usually choose chastity for religious reasons, yet there are many biblical directives they ignore; for example, if your son is really disobedient, you’re supposed to bring him into town so all the men can stone him (and not by giving him a really big doobie).

As for this woman, you should only keep seeing her if you can resign yourself to merely hoping she’ll someday drop her policy and her pants: “Whoops! There goes my virginity!”

Sure, you two have lots in common, but it’s a big world filled with girls you’ll have stuff in common with — including the idea that there’s no need to save sex for marriage when, right here, right now, there’s plenty of it to go around.

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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, Calif. 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).