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Tuesday, 12 February 2008 12:17 |
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| Janese Johnson |
Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays for which some have high expectations. I have heard friends and clients talk about the “exciting new” gift, proposal or adventure they have been waiting for in their relationship. Some experience exactly what they have been wishing, while others are left disappointed. Some think that maybe their partner just doesn’t care enough about them to celebrate them in that specific way.
If this has happened to you, do not fret; it is very likely that you and your partner have two very different styles of expressing love. According to Gary Chapmen, PhD, author of “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate,” we each have a language that we hear as love. Chapmen tells us that there are five of them. If we have a different language than our partner, then no matter how hard they try, we cannot hear the message that they are expressing. He likens it to “whispering sweet Sanskrit in your partner’s ear” and they do not even have a clue what you are saying.
The five different love languages are: words of affection; quality
time; gifts; acts of service; and physical touch. If one person values
physical touch as a language of love, and their partner values gifts,
then the one longing for touch might feel disappointed when they end up
receiving a gift from their loved one. This can be confusing for the
gift giver because they most likely do not know what they have done to
disappoint their beloved. They most likely went out of their way to
find the right gift, because their language of love is giving and
receiving gifts; they do not value physical touch in the same way.
If hearing sweet words of expression is important to you, and your
partner is a practical acts-of-service person, then the lack of words
of expression will outweigh the enthusiasm for all the acts of service
that your partner has just done for you. However, they value acts of
service and would gladly welcome that gift from their beloved.
What wonderful grace if you and your partner are well matched with your
language of love! Unfortunately this is not always the case, and
fortunately there is an easy solution for those who are not so well
matched. Well, easy as far understanding the solution goes — but not
necessarily when it comes to putting it into practice with each other
in the day-to-day.
But what choice is there really? Either keep giving in a way that isn’t
really valued, or find out what they value, and give from that place.
It seems that it would help solve quite a few problems in some cases.
Figuring out what language of love you speak is easy because it is the
one that you do for others. Most likely we give to others in the ways
that which we would like to experience. It is also important to see
what language your partner speaks. If the way that they give love is
quite different from what you desire, talk about it, and find what
language they understand.
By showing love to them in their language, a lot of misunderstandings
and hurt can be resolved. But if one or the other cannot change to help
bridge the gap, then the pain and feeling of being misunderstood
continues, and the relationship either ends or has a lot of resentment.
Valentine’s Day is a good time to let your beloved know that you value
and love them by speaking to them in their language of love. This can
also be applied with friends and family. Finding out what language they
value, and attempting to speak it, can be a precious gift in itself.
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Janese Johnson has been doing intuitive counseling nationally for more
than 20 years. She may be contacted at janesej-at-buncombe.main.nc.us.
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