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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Three months ago, my boyfriend rescued a 2-year-old, 85-pound, neutered dog from a shelter. I have a little 35-pound dog I love dearly. She’s been with me seven years. We wanted to introduce them because we want to build a life together. It didn’t go well. His dog attacked mine both times. I said this should be a no-brainer: If he can’t turn his dog around through training soon, he should get rid of it. He eventually agreed to work with his dog, but over the last month has just gotten more attached to it, and has been reading books that tell him his dog’s “doing nothing wrong.” He finally said I’d have to risk my dog with his one more time, “just to find out.” I can’t do that. Is a brand new dog all it takes for a year-long relationship to get derailed?!
— House Broken
If your boyfriend’s like some dog people, he may see what’s essentially
an order to docilize doggie or else as something akin to you saying,
“So, whenever I’m at your house, your son fights with my daughter ...
and she’s 7 years old, and you’ve only had him for two ... “ And the
story ends with his kid on the Social Services doorstep with a note:
“Sorry, my dad’s bitchy girlfriend said I had to go. Hope you find me a
nice couple.”
Looking at this from your angle, here’s a man you must find sweet and
loving (or why would you be with him?) and he basically suggests,
“Let’s just see if my dog eats your dog.” Didn’t Michael Vick go to
jail for that sort of thing? And sure, there is that chance the doggies
will sit down and have a little tea party and maybe even share a strand
of spaghetti like in “Lady and the Tramp.” But, according to dog
trainer Brenda Aloff, “If the little female has already been scared by
this bigger dog, the prognosis is real poor.”
Plus, Aloff, author of
“Aggression in Dogs,” cautioned that introducing these dogs “is not a
two-week process. It’s going to take you months; a six-to-12-month
process” with “serious and close supervision” and “mutual cooperation”
of both owners. Even then, there’s no guarantee you won’t one day leave
your dog with his dog and come home to a collar and a pile of fur.
What kind of guy suggests you just let him sic Cujo on Tinkerbell “one
more time”? Well, maybe your little dog has saved you from making a big
mistake. Then again, maybe it was a mistake you made that turned this
into a standoff. Telling a guy what to do, even when you’re right — and
you are right — is the worst way to get a guy to do anything. You
emasculate him, and knee him in the ego, and your grown man comes out
fighting like a little boy: “You’re not taking my puppy!” At that
point, his dog could swallow your auntie whole, and he’d blame her for
wearing an aggression-provoking housedress.
Assuming the guy wants to be with you and isn’t a jerk or an idiot, he
probably knows his dog has to go. Try again, but instead of rubbing his
nose in the solution, merely present the problem. Ask, “How do we work
this out?” Don’t announce, “Hup-two, here’s what you have to do!” I’m
guessing he’ll find it easier to admit there’s more to this than “Gee,
let’s mix my plaid recliner and your flowered couch and see how it
goes.” (In cases of dueling patterns, the loser gets dropped off at
Goodwill, not the pet cemetery.)
You spite up my life
My boyfriend and I just broke up. When I asked how he was doing, he
said, “In all honesty, I’m much happier. It felt like a weight off my
shoulders. Looking back, I realize I was bored, never really loved you,
and it was just sex that kept us together.” I was shocked he’d be so
hurtful. I’d never want another relationship with him, but I miss him,
and some sort of friendship would be nice. Please advise.
— Devastated
People ask how you’re doing every day. I’m guessing you tell them
“Fine, thanks” instead of “My underwear’s bunching up, and my doctor
thinks a parasite might be causing my recent flatulence.” What kind of
person responds “in all honesty,” when they can preserve somebody’s
feelings with partial honesty or an outright lie? And what kind of
person responds to a person who tells her, “Boy, am I relieved to be
done using you for sex,” by wondering, “Boy, what do I have to do to be
your friend?”
A far better use of your time would be figuring out why you’d look to
such an unrepentent meanwad for “friendship.” What’s the matter, your
enemies too busy to ask what you’ll do for a face when the monkey wants
his butt back?
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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