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Tuesday, 27 June 2006 15:21 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
For a year, I??ve been in a serious relationship with a woman whose ?®best friend?∆ is a guy she dated a while back. They e-mail each other about their daily doings ?? signing ?®love?∆ with an emoticon kiss (:-*) ?? talk on the phone twice a week, and send birthday cards with words like ?®You Sweetie!?∆ I don??t understand the purpose of such talk between non-dating men and women. She calls it ?®normal communication between friends.?∆ My approach is adapt or adopt. I??m trying to adapt to the guy having such a presence in her life, but if we marry, I can??t have him sending her cards and e-mails with love and kisses. Adopting means doing what she??s doing ?? writing to single women I know in love talk. I can??t do that ?? it??s not my way.
?? Plagued By Her xox-Boyfriend
Internet
cute-icisms like emoticons are a problem. In case Ted Kaczynski or any
other computer-opposed types are reading this, emoticons are
punctuation marks combined to make gaggingly cute little sideways faces
(:-o) intended to convey emotion in chat rooms, instant messages, and
e-mail. The way I see it, they??re acceptable when used by anybody under
12, and excusable when used by 35-year-olds who have yet to master
written English.
Emoticon users are also prone to use the likes of ?®LOL?∆ (Laughing Out
Loud), and ?®ROFL?∆ (Rolling On Floor Laughing); acronyms sometimes
included in e-mail to indicate that something the person??s written
should have us wetting ourselves laughing. Guess what: If it??s funny,
we??ll laugh. If it??s not, and you use that acronym, it may leave us
?®WTTYS?∆: Wanting To Throttle You Senseless.
But, enough about my menagerie of pet peeves, let??s get to why you??re
being so nutso unreasonable. Here??s a girl who??s pretty much typing out
her daily to-do list, junking it up with punctuation-mark faces, and
e-mailing it to some guy she was done with long ago.
You don??t mention feeling attention-deprived, and it doesn??t sound like
there??s more than questionable taste being exchanged. Can??t you just
let her play nicely with her little friend since it doesn??t seem like
she has any intention of playing doctor?
So, her style isn??t your style. What??s important is whether you match
up on the stuff that matters most to you. Of course, if this matters
most to you, you??re with the wrong girl.
Sure, it??s a bit unsettling to have a girlfriend with an ex-boyfriend
best friend. But, come on, are you seriously threatened by this guy??s
presence, or more by your apparent inability to dictate to your future
Stepford wife what she can and cannot do?
The real danger to your relationship is probably your ?®I??ll show her!?∆
model of conflict resolution: ?®My name is Conan. You killed my father.
Prepare to die.?∆ Satisfying as it might be to get revenge by writing
loveyisms to single women, if you??d like to learn about the civility,
deep friendship, and compromise necessary to make a relationship work,
you might watch a little less old Arnold and a little more recent Oprah.
There??s a good chance these punctuation skin tags aren??t so much your
girlfriend??s way of conveying she has feelings for the guy as they are
a way of glossing over the fact she doesn??t. Stop stewing over ?®adapt
or adopt,?∆ and consider the possibility that she signs off with all
that goop because she??s always signed off with all that goop.
Maybe, to her, it seems cruel to suddenly yank the kissyface and
replace it with (:-|) or with what you??d probably prefer t(-_-t) ?? the
emoticon (read upright) for flipping somebody the double bird.
Phone call of the wild
My boyfriend of three months went on vacation for 10 days, and he??s
phoned me only twice since he left. He??s off in the woods with his
family, and doesn??t have cell phone reception unless they go into town.
Still, this makes me feel he doesn??t really think about me. Do I have
reason to be upset?
?? Undercalled
The guy??s off
somewhere where successful wireless communication involves lighting a
fire and flapping his sleeping bag over it. Chances are, he didn??t
guarantee you a certain amount of mindshare, communicated in a specific
number of phone calls ?? so why throw a huffy?
What you have here is not reason to be upset, but reason to get a life
so you aren??t sitting around whining that your boyfriend??s life doesn??t
revolve around yours. Plus, giving somebody their freedom generally
makes them less likely to feel the need to escape.
In other words, a little time away might be all it takes to make your
boyfriend want to spend a lot less time away ?? that is, if his
girlfriend manages to avoid reacting to his visit with Mommy, Daddy and
the bears like it was 10 days with bar floozies, strippers and hookers.
?ÿ
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier
Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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