The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

If your husband tossed an ashtray at your head, do you think heíd be describing himself as ìStill So Angry Insideî or ìStill In Court Trying To Get The Charges Reducedî?

It doesnít take much for domestic violence against men to be taken seriously ... usually, just a chalk outline where a manís body used to be. The rest of the time, people tend to shrug it off or even find it cute: ìWell, well, well, sheís quite the firecracker!î Granted, male abusers can do much more damage with their fists, but put a heavy object in a womanís hands, and good morning brain damage! (Just wondering ... has your husband gotten the ashtray out of his skull, or does he have to hang around smoking areas with his head bent down so people have someplace to flick their ash?)

But, he broke his promise! Bummer. Human nature happens. If your husbandís a cad, why marry him at all (couldnít get the catering deposit back)? If heís a good guy who got drunk and slipped (maybe after his bro gave him a little push), why make him sorry he married you? Sure, if he keeps slipping, say, by tucking your monthly mortgage payment into some stripperís g-string, thatís one thing. But, come on ... two-plus months later, are you really reacting to what happened ó or just acting out as a means of controlling him? Consider what youíre doing to him and to your marriage by showing him that nothing he says or does makes the slightest bit of difference. As a friend of mine likes to say, ìYour proctologist called. They found your head.î

You can stay married to your grudge or your husband, pick one. Frankly, you each have a lot of work to do in therapyland, individually and together. You have to deal with your uncontrollable anger and the underlying issues ó probably insecurity and fear of being ditched ó and get in the habit of expressing your fears instead of weaponizing them. Your husband needs to start standing up for himself ó for starters, by doing a Senator Craig and withdrawing his guilty plea. The correct response? The one your girlfriends would be pushing on you if the tables were turned: ìThereís no excuse for domestic abuse!î (Physical or emotional.)

Finally, the two of you should attend one of Dr. John Gottmanís research-based marriage weekends (gottman.com) and learn to have a partnership instead of a monarchy. Marital harmony can be yours, just not by getting your husband to ìagreeî to like what you like: stag parties featuring your fat, fully clothed co-workers burying their heads in plates of cake instead of some hot young thing leaping naked out of one.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).

Family devalues
After 13 years trying to hold a marriage together, Iím getting divorced. I married at 18, and my husband is the only man Iíve been with, so yeah, Iím having a blast dating and living a little. Iím a good mom, with good kids, 12 and 10, and Iím not bringing dates home. Yet, Iím getting flak from my siblings for acting out my 20s in my 30s. How do I deal with their negativity?
ó Paroled

Revel in it? Itís not like youíre introducing your kids to a new ìuncleî every morning, or having them hold your hair back while you puke up last nightís fun. Chances are, your siblingsí ìflakî is less about bad parenting than really great sex ó the fact that youíre probably having it, and theyíre probably not. Think of what youíre doing as the life version of ìin case of loss of cabin pressure . . . ì Youíre supposed to secure your own mask first, not pass out trying to get one on your kid. Likewise, having a happy life seems pretty essential to raising happy kids. As for the appropriateness of acting out your 20s in your 30s ó beats following your siblingsí lead and acting out your nosy, meddling 70s.