The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

Thanks to Freud, youíre prone to believe your dreams are repressed desires for your exes when they could just as easily be X-rated mental lint. A growing body of evidence suggests Freudís famous book, ìThe Interpretation of Dreams,î might be more correctly titled ìThe Misinterpretation of Dreams,î or ìIíll Make A Bunch Of Stuff Up Because Iím Sex Mad, And Get Real Famous, And Make A Fortune.î

Even now, nobody can say conclusively why we dream or what dreams mean, but in a 2005 lecture to sleep-disorder patients, Stanfordís Dr. Scott Leibowitz gave an overview of various theories: Dreams may be ìa ëvirtual realityí testing ground to simulate threatening scenarios in a safe place.î They may integrate stuff we learn while awake, and/or help process negative emotions. They may contain extraneous information we need to dump ó or essential information we need to keep. My favorite theory, however, is by Harvard psychiatry prof J. Allan Hobson, who speculates in ìThe Dreaming Brainî that dreams ìmay occur, in part, to amuse usî ó and with none of the pesky legal ramifications of scaling the neighborís chimney and tapping into his HBO.

Free entertainment? Of course, thereís a catch. In Dreamland, thereís no such thing as the remote. And since you canít change the channel, maybe itís dumb to feel guilty that you ended up watching ìSex With The Exesî instead of ìKiller Klowns From Outer Spaceî or ìHow To Decorate With Dried Pasta.î But, is it ìnormalî to fantasize about other men? Boringly so. In a study by Drs. Thomas V. Hicks and Harold Leitenberg, 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women got it on in their heads during their waking hours with people other than their partners. Whaddya wanna bet 100 percent of the rest were lying?

You say youíre satisfied ìin every way imaginable,î and call your marriage ìeverything Iíd hoped for.î Excuse me, but whatís the problem? Face hurt from smiling too much? It is wise to live an ìexamined life,î just not an examined-to-death life. You can read something into anything ó just as Freud decided patient ìDoraî mustíve overheard her parents having sex (an incident she never recalled), and out of devoted love for her father, reproduced his heavy breathing by giving herself asthma. Why not concentrate on what you can control ó how you conduct yourself when youíre awake? Should you feel the need to spice up that nonstop bliss with a little raging jealousy, go ahead and tell your husband Mr. Sandmanís been pimping you out to your exes. Do, however, try to wait until he wakes up ó lest you come between him, your sister, and your best friend.

Bar nun
Iím a single woman, late 20s, cute and social and all that, whoís ready to meet a worthwhile guy. While I love a good martini, Iím not into the sloppy drunk bar scene. Then again, Iím not meeting guys at classes, the gym, or the grocery store. Whereís a girl to go?
ó Point Me

Technically, a guy in the grocery store could hit on you like a guy in the bar: ìHey there . . . can I buy you that jar of peanut butter?î or ìHave you heard celery is 90 percent water?î But, come on, wouldnít this go over better where the lights are low, liquor is served, and strangers are expected to chat each other up? People will tell you that you shouldnít try to meet men in bars. Why not? There are usually lots of men in bars. The point isnít avoiding bars, itís avoiding players and barflies. This takes recognizing that all bar hours are not equal. The ideal time to go is happy hour, when everybodyís unwinding from work. Just take care to cut out before much-too-happy hour, when all the guys come back with their full frontal mack on. The bottom line: Leave a guy wanting more, not wanting more Jell-O shots out of your navel.

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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).