The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

According to you, all a girl needs to do is ìshow up.î Okay, maybe so ó if the girlís name is Angelina Jolie. She can probably put as little prep into going out as some guys do: Hose herself down, shake the water off like a big dog, slap on some deodorant, and dig through the pile for a shirt and pants dark enough that the biohazards mostly blend in.

As for the mere mortal woman who just shows up, guys mainly notice her when sheís blocking their path to the woman who spent countless hours trying to look like all she did was show up: plucking, teasing, squeezing, highlighting, low-lighting, pushing up, working out, sucking in, and, for the truly fun part, paying $100-plus dollars to get waxed and plucked in the last place youíd ever want tweezers or hot wax.

Yet, in that utopia in your head that is being female, no womanís ever too fat, too flat, or too aggressively average-looking to be hounded for her phone number. And then, even if a girlís looking for love, itís all good as long as she can snag a free steak or two before she discovers Mr. Wonderful No. 7,412 is just looking to have sex with somebody other than his wife: ìCrushing disappointment? Thanks, Iíll take mine medium rare, with a side of garlic mashed potatoes.î

The truth is, your co-worker who always has ìa great weekend!î probably doesnít feel that way because she has dozens of men drooling into her shoe. Research by psychologist Martin Seligman and others shows that people with an optimistic orientation toward life are not only happier but more successful in getting what they want. Thereís more to this than running around telling yourself youíre wonderful or buying into pop fluffology like ìThe Secret,î which claims people are only fat because theyíre thinking ìfat thoughts.î (Couldnít possibly be that theyíre doing it while speed-eating donuts.) Get Seligmanís book ìLearned Optimism,î and see how to put a more positive spin on your setbacks, and rejigger where you put credit or blame. Stop complaining and look on the bright side, and you may find thatís where the girls are.

But, wait ó arenít you supposed to stop looking? Well, yes, but that doesnít mean staying home and waiting for women to parachute into your backyard. It means stop looking desperate, which is how you come off when the success or failure of your weekend hinges on your ability to make total strangers you have no control over bend to your will. Beyond that, I suspect you arenít looking for love so much as youíre looking for victory ó making your approach more us versus them than us connecting with them. Changing that takes time. Start going out just to have fun, and show interest in women beyond merely acquiring one, and you should come to appreciate them, and not just in the way a lion appreciates a zebra.
Maybe sheís just having fund

Recently, you printed a question from a 62-year-old guy dating a 27-year-old lawyer. Heís not loaded, by any chance? If he is, it shouldnít be long before she has the best dermatologists money can buy for her ìlousy complexion.î Call me cynical, but maybe somebody should warn the guy.
ó Realist

Somebody should warn a lot of people: Maybe itís pure love, or maybe itís fear of dying alone. Maybe heís found ìthe one,î or maybe heís tired of looking. And maybe she glanced at her biological clock and was suddenly in the market for a paycheck with sperm. Somehow, of all the ulterior motives, people get wiggiest about money. Letís say this guyís rolling in dough, and thatís partly why this womanís rolling with him. If she makes him happy, what of it? Would he be happier alone, rubbing his hands together, ìOoh, thank goodness my wealth is safe and soundî? At 62, the guy probably doesnít need to be told that some women make their money the old-fashioned way ó they inherit it. But, mindful of your concern, I asked whether heís loaded. He e-mailed back, ìI wish!î And you know what that means. His girlfriendís probably taking him for everything heís got: an old futon, a case of Metamucil, and his beer-cozy collection.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).