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Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:45 |
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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Iím in love with a man Iíve been seeing long distance for six months. Heís funny, interesting, and sexy, and I really admire the way he is with people and my horses. He quit his job to move to be with me, but then, without explanation, began interviewing elsewhere. I also learned he hadnít told his three adult daughters that he and their mother have been divorced for a year! He finally told them on the day he couldnít avoid my meeting one of the daughters. I last saw him three months ago, and heís been breaking plans to meet ever since and calling and e-mailing less and less. Last week, he e-mailed that I was ìjust great,î but he couldnít figure out how to make it work. Well, Iíd like a relationship with this man. I know underneath heís caring, loving, and considerate. A great companion.
ó Missing Him
Yes, he seems like the perfect companion ó for any girl who can make do
with a big carrot in a manís pocket and a pat or two on the withers.
But, wait . . . it appears he also has a way with people! (A way of
what?) Iím guessing he smiles at the waitress, asks about her bursitis,
and leaves 25 percent. But, what about HIS people? Maybe a guy
ìforgetsî to tell his kids that he got hair plugs or that heís renting
their rooms to strangers. What kind of father waits an entire year ó
until his daughterís about to catch him with his girlfriend ó to break
the news that he and Mom have, uh, decided to date other people?
This was a sign ó one of many ó that the follow-up to sweeping you off
your feet would probably be dropping you on your coccyx. He was moving
to be with you, but then he wasnít, and never mind why. Youíre
supposedly in a six-month relationship, but you havenít seen the guy in
half as many months, and heís calling and e-mailing ìless and less.î
Wow, right out of Shakespeare ó except in ìRomeo and Juliet,î the big
question was ìWherefore art thou?î not ìWhere the hell have you been
these past three months?î
Naturally, you prefer to focus on what a ìgreat companionî he is . . .
UNDERNEATH. (Are you looking for a relationship or a career in mining?)
My guess ó youíre not just looking for a relationship but are so
desperate for one youíre willing to overlook almost anything: Oh, he
eats babies? Well ... only after giving them ìfair chaseî! Being long
distance kept inconvenient truths safely out of the way, leaving you to
fill in the blanks with wishful thinking and misty memories of just how
darn wonderful he was with Mr. Ed.
For future reference, when your boyfriend says he canít figure out how
to make it work, he isnít telling you heís stumped, heís telling you to
move on. While positive thinking can be a terrific tool (per my friend
Rob Long, ìLife hands you cancer, make cancerade!î), you need to bring
a little pessimism into your life, and explore why dating a particular
guy might be ill-advised, impractical, or downright dim. If you must
think positive, opt for ìIím OK with or without a manî before you start
swooning, ìWhy, heís a regular Lone Ranger! Hi-yo, Silver, and away!î ó
and you should catch on quicker when a manís particularly good at the
ìaway!î
An exercise in utilities
My girlfriend of nine months was traveling when my electricity went out
for the day. I asked to hang at her place until it was fixed. She
refused, later explaining she didnít want to give me the alarm code ó
even though weíre together five days a week with ìI love youísî galore!
Now, sheís turning this around, professing hurt feelings that I never
gave her my house key. I wouldíve, but she doesnít drive and is never
at my place without me.
ó One Foot Out The Door
How could you not know her feelings were hurt? Probably because you
arenít one of her girlfriends, who surely logged hours listening to how
your not giving her your key means youíve symbolically locked her out
of your heart, blah, blah, blah. Granted, it is possible she was hiding
something ó I mean, beyond the fact sheís passive-aggressive,
vindictive, and petty. Internet dating? CIA outpost? Forgetful about
flushing? It seems your idea of what ìI love youî really means (ìYour
best interest is my best interest!î) is a little different from hers
(ìRot in the dark, Loverboy!î). As for your being only One Foot Out The
Door, youíd better hope the next time the chips are down ó say, oneís
lodged in your throat ó you arenít left to flail on the floor while she
takes mental inventory: ìHmmm, whenís the last time he gave ME the
Heimlich maneuver?î
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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