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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My husband of 10 years has an old friend he dated for a few years before we met. She comes into our lives about once a year when sheís in town. Her e-mails sometimes seem flirty, and my husband says I take them too seriously. But, she also seems edgy around me, making me suspect she still has feelings for him. When she was here for a funeral, I told him he could join her and some friends for a night out if he didnít make me look bad. Two days later, I got a mass e-mail with pictures of him and his ex cheek-to-cheek! That argument lasted a month. He finally agreed to do something, but I think he isnít making it clear enough that she shouldnít call or e-mail again because she hasnít stopped. He claims he feels bad ending one of the only friendships heís maintained for the past 20 years. Well, their relationshipís taking a toll on ours. How can I cut off their contact?
ó Irate Wife
If you love someone, turn off the electrified fencing. If they hang
around, theyíre yours. If not, at least you wonít be facing
manslaughter charges.
The guy married you, not her. Why work so hard to make him sorry he
did? Sure, heís still with you after 10-plus years ó maybe because heís
too beaten down to crawl to the phone and start ringing divorce
lawyers. To your credit, you did decide to let him see this woman ó
before you decided that he can never see her, talk to her, or even
e-mail her again. Excuse me, but who decided that you get to decide
these things? Iím guessing you were pronounced ìhusband and wife,î not
ìhusband and warden.î Yet, at the moment, your relationship is
basically prison with better towels.
You actually spent a month berating your husband for appearing in a
photograph with somebody? Okay, so it was his ex, and they were
photographed ìcheek-to-cheek.î (Weíre talking the facial kind, right?)
Just wondering, when you take a picture, do you typically pose your
subjects on opposite sides of the room? ìOkay, you two, get as far
apart as you can!î As for why this woman gets edgy around you, beyond
your near-criminalization of her 20-year friendship with your husband,
could it be that you tend to look at her like youíre trying to turn her
into a smoldering pile of ash?
Yes, she could have ìfeelingsî for your husband ó as could his
secretary, several of his co-workers, and some lady in line behind him
at the drugstore. But, the feelings you should be worrying about are
yours, and what theyíre doing to his. Do you really think you can
alienate a man into loving you?
Youíre missing the real problem, which
isnít whatís out there, but whatís not in you. Instead of acting out
ìIím insecure, youíd better curtail your life,î how about admitting to
your husband, ìIím insecure, Iíd better work on getting less insecureî?
Tell him he can go where he wants, see who he wants, and even appear in
photographs with them (providing the backdrop isnít a motel bedspread).
You canít make a man want you, but youíll do better giving him reasons
to stay than giving him the impression that all the exits are sealed.
Having fun instead of extended arguments is an excellent start,
especially when thereís no evidence the manís done anything wrong. I
mean, if youíre going to put a month into tormenting your husband, at
least have the decency to wait until you catch him in bed with your
best friend.
Blowing hot and old
Iím a man, 62, and Iíve been dating a 27-year-old woman for two years.
Sheís a lawyer, and quite intelligent, if socially awkward. I find her
extremely attractive, but sheís a size 12-14, with a lousy complexion,
and, in her words, ìnot a guy magnet.î Weíre very happy together, but
Iím wondering if we should break up while she has her youthfulness as
an asset and is more likely to attract a guy whoíll be with her while
she ages.
ó Generation Exit
Thereís no guarantee any guy will stick around to watch a womanís
ìlousy complexionî become her lousy, wrinkled complexion. Luckily, your
girlfriend will probably make enough money lawyering to afford a
full-time pool boy. She doesnít have a pool? Details, details. Should
she lack the funding or inclination to rent long-term companionship,
thereís always friendship. Lovers come and go, but lifelong buddies
donít usually kick each other to the curb when they meet hotter
friends. At the moment, though, youíre happy, sheís happy . . . whatís
the problem? You are kinda creaky by comparison, but remember, buses
mow people down regardless of age ó so thereís really no telling which
of you will be left alone to bump wheelchairs instead of uglies.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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