The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

ìHow much is too much to sacrifice for love?î Well, when you actually have love in your life, write back and Iíll let you know. In the meantime, just wondering, when your boyfriend turned your iPod into a $400 doorstop, was it playing your song?

Now, no man does cartwheels upon hearing the news that his woman once kissed his best friend, but whatever happened to good old-fashioned sullen, passive-aggressive pouting? Here you are, so hypnotized by the call of the aisle that you canít be bothered to parse exactly what the guyís saying to you: ìHow dare you not invent a time machine, go back to the moment before you kissed my friend Biffy, and knee him in the groin instead?!î

Yes, your boyfriend was smashing your stuff against the wall because you failed to break the laws of physics to time travel on his behalf. If this doesnít scream ìGet out!î what does? But, donít just take my word for it. Put in a free call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org), 1-800-799-SAFE, and let them explain the difference between domestic violence and domestic bliss; preferably before Mr. Wonderful tires of practicing his fastball with your portable electronics and starts playing tetherball with your head.

Of course, you should have been outta there long before this; like, the day he suggested you revise your dreams to bring them into compliance with his: ìI know! You can sell Tupperware so you can be closer to the stove. In fact, why donít we just chain you to the stove?î Just what you need ó a guy who finds out what makes you happy, then pushes you to stop doing it. As for how well giving up lawyering worked out for his mother, maybe she was ready to drop-kick the law to count out catsup packets, or maybe she wakes up every morning regretting that she did.

Sure, at a certain age, ìSomeday my prince will come!î starts to wear on a girl, and it becomes tempting to flop a crown on any guy whoís heterosexual, still breathing, and isnít doing 20-to-life for armed robbery (for 7-to-10 there might be wiggle room). Understandable as this is, pronouncing a guy ìthe only man I ever wanted to marryî makes you prone to weed out any inconvenient facts that suggest marrying him is about the dumbest thing you could do.

Giving up what makes you happy will never make you happy, but giving up the guy who wants you to might do the trick; ideally, before he gets you pregnant so youíll be too fat to run away.

Cull of the wild

Iím a girl just out of a long relationship I never shouldíve been in, and I want to find a better match. Whatís the one thing I should look for in a potential significant other?
ó Always Sucked In

If you have to narrow it down to just one thing, Iíd say go for a guy whose previous girlfriends arenít lying around in pieces in garbage bags in his basement. But, in general, knowing what works for you takes knowing who you are, and forgive me if I find that difficult from a two-sentence e-mail. Once you figure out who you are, figure out what you value, then come up with a list of ìman minimumsî ó the qualities in a partner you canít live without. But, when you meet somebody who you think fits the bill, donít just dwell on the positives, as nobody ever broke up with anybody for being too rich, charming, or too acrobatic in bed. Accordingly, ignore those who advise you to be ìopen-mindedî; in other words, to relax your standards until the honeymoon hormones wear off, and you gaze across the breakfast table wondering why thereís no death penalty for people who chew like farm animals.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).