The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

Which of the following doesnít belong? 1. I have a rare fatal form of B.O. 2. Iím in the middle of a bear breeding ground wearing a necklace of beef jerky. 3. My boyfriend is tall, buff, and incredibly hot.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, but as problems go, ìMy boyfriendís too good-looking!î is right up there with ìI make too much money!î and ìI own too many villas on the Italian Riviera!î It is conceivable that your girlfriends find your working-man Adonis glance-worthy, but are you really running around dabbing their chins for drool? Come on, what goes on at your house, you invite the ladies over for drinks, while directly in front of your bay window your boyfriend slowly peels off his tank top, picks up his massive ax, and starts chopping wood?

Granted, girls do look longer at good-looking people. As do boys. Even the very youngest boys and girls. University of Exeter researcher Dr. Alan Slater showed newborn babies pictures of faces, and found that they gazed longest at the faces adults rated as more attractive.

In the long run, though, grownup women are looking for more than eye-candy, which is why the girl supermodel might lie down with the boy supermodel, but sheís likely to partner up with some obscenely wealthy Hobbit. Even regular girls duke it out for a man with status and potential ó if not a tycoon, at least a driven guy who seems to be making something of himself. While your boyfriend may round out his hotitude with a golden heart and many fabulous qualities, in the Big Man On Campus department, heís currently the pool boy.

If this doesnít quell your fears about his poachability, maybe youíd be more comfortable with an ugly boyfriend. Or blind friends. Or, if thatís a bit much to swing, try getting more comfortable with yourself. Start by asking yourself, whatís the worst thing that could possibly happen? Heíll leave you? Okay, maybe that heíll leave you for a stripper named JosÈ. Still, youíll live ó even if the latter takes you a while to live down. At the moment, the wisest thing you could do is put a handbrake on that low self-esteem. From the picture you paint, thereís a good chance you have little to worry about; well, except that your worrying is sending him the message that heís dating down. Nothing lowers a girlís value quite like her own low opinion of herself. All you can do is recognize that you have a lot to offer, and hope he recognizes it, too. So, why not live for today instead of living in fear that heíll be gone tomorrow? That way, youíll be handcuffing him to the bed for the right reasons ó meaning you donít follow up the click of the lock by leaving the room to have a scenery-free yak-fest with the girls.

Justice of the peace, quiet
Maybe that guy Basement Bob, who wrote you that he hates sleeping in the loud, cold, uncomfortable basement when he and his girlfriend visit her religious relatives, should get married! If he and his girlfriend have been together for eight years, it seems logical. It would make her Lutheran family happy, and canít be much worse than their current relationship.
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Itís not like marriage is some secret rite known only to a few aging Freemasons. If these people thought marriage would make them happy, donít you think it would have occurred to them to take a trot down the aisle?

I stand by my advice: Either she goes along with his proposed work-around, a nice warm motel room, or she goes visiting alone.

Regarding your notion that marriage ìseems logical,î when a girl makes it clear she doesnít care that youíre cold, wet, uncomfortable, sleepless and a catís using your face as a treadmill...is the prudent response really asking her to marry you? Thatís almost as sensible as doing it because her religious relatives, whom you visit once a year, get a little edgy at the thought of anyone having sex without a license.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).