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Tuesday, 13 June 2006 20:00 |
I??m 32, independent, accomplished, in shape and considered pretty. I??d love to find a boyfriend, but I don??t NEED a boyfriend. A friend set me up with this guy ?? brilliant, sexy, successful, and athletic (a former Big Ten college quarterback). We had a really fun, romantic date, and he said he??d call, but never did. Months later, he spotted me at a restaurant and sat down. We again had an amazing time and obvious chemistry and he again promised he??d call.
Nope,
just more accidental lunch dates! Worrying it was turning irreversibly
platonic, I e-mailed him, ?®Why don??t you ask me on a real date, and we
can kiss at the end??∆ He replied that I had ?®courage?∆ to say that, but
he couldn??t get involved because he was afraid of getting hurt after
his last relationship, and ?®who knows, maybe [he??s] gay.?∆ ?®Maybe I??m
gay?∆ as a substitute for calling?! What gives?
?? Led Balloon
Just when you
least expect it, a man??s man turns out to be a bunny??s bunny. It??s like
watching Clint Eastwood, all ?®Go ahead, make my day,?∆ suddenly holster
his piece, pull out a ball of yarn, plop down cross-legged, and start
crocheting a potholder.
You don??t
sound like the kind of girl who sits by the unrung phone speculating
whether the guy??s in a coma, or . . . maybe, instead of raining cats
and dogs, it rained farm implements, and a large scythe fell from the
sky, severing his fingers and rendering him incapable of dialing.
Assuming you aren??t reading ?®fun,?∆ ?®romantic,?∆ and ?®obvious chemistry?∆
into a failure by your date to chisel out of the men??s room to freedom,
it??s understandable you expected him to call. Understandable, but
unwise.
Should you ever believe it when some date says he??ll call? Sure ?? just
wait until the phone rings and he??s on the other end. Until then,
consider ?®I??ll call you?∆ spoken-word parsley: conversational garnish
meant to be discarded along with the fingertip you find in your mashed
potatoes. Remember, it??s a lot easier to say than ?®You know, I??m kind
of a toxic fellow, who really should blow you off after date one. But,
chances are, I??ll lead you on for six months, giving you the impression
I??m a viable candidate for a relationship, and, in the process, tear
your ego into small pieces and feed it to the pigeons.?∆
Guys like this are to strong women what Attila and the Huns were to
Western Europe. They don??t have what it takes to put out emotionally,
but they camouflage it the best they can ?? stringing you along and
pulling away at the same time. Dalma Heyn writes about them in ?®Drama
Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy.?∆ What makes a ?®Drama King?∆
seem attractive, Heyn says, is also what makes him poison: ?® . . .
[H]is boyish charm is really arrested development . . . his refreshing
laid-backness a lack of feeling and an inability to connect,?∆ and his
manly man front an ?®impenetrable wall.?∆ And you??ll never guess who??s
been cast as Humpty Dumpty.
The next time you come up against some quarterback who can??t make a
pass, avoid any temptation to pull your girlfriends out of the
workplace for long, teary afternoons of man-analysis. Not only is it a
waste of time, if enough women do this, it could lead to a downturn in
the GNP. Why a guy didn??t call isn??t the point. It??s recognizing that
he didn??t. Repeatedly. Heartlessly. And reminding yourself that a woman
who isn??t desperate for ?®You complete me?∆ isn??t doing herself any
favors chasing after ?®You deplete me?∆ on all fours.
Slave labor of love
My boyfriend of
eight months expects attention ?? massages and loads of TLC ?? while
giving little in return. His previous relationship ended badly, so I
understand why he??s cautious with his heart. Still, he rarely takes me
out, and we usually get together because I initiate it. Fed up, I
suggested we just be friends. He got upset, insisting he cares about
me. So, how do I get him to show it?
?? Seeking Two-Way Street
You could act
out the aftermath of a household accident. Maybe paint your lips blue,
tease your hair, and lie on the floor with one finger in the toaster.
Who knows, he might glance down with remorse when he steps over you to
get a beer. Go ahead, be understanding. Understand he wasn??t ready for
a relationship and had no business getting into one, and once you found
that out, you had no business staying. Also understand that acting like
you have self-respect is the best way to get treated accordingly.
Unfortunately, after spending eight months chirping, ?®How can I provide
you with excellent service??∆ you probably shouldn??t count on this guy
vaulting off your massage table to take you to dinner instead of for
granted.
?ÿ
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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