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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
I love my girlfriend of eight years very much, but Iím at witsí end over her (non-romantic) relationship with her ex-boyfriend, who lives in another state. To her, heís a helpless 37-year-old boy who needs constant motherly supervision so he doesnít get taken advantage of. They talk on the phone multiple times daily, and she sees every problem he calls about as a catastrophe that MUST be handled immediately. Iím bothered to no end when she leaves the table during dinner to go talk to him or gets up when weíre watching a movie, leaving me to pause the DVD for 30 minutes until she returns. During eight years of this, Iíve asked her not to talk to him while Iím around since we have conflicting schedules and limited time together. Sheíll agree, but nothing changes. I do my best not to upset her, but sometimes I let it be known Iím ticked off, and she flips out, and says sheíll leave me if I canít handle her ìtalking to (her) friends.î
†ó A Sap
Well, you got the sap part right. Itís only taken you eight years with
this woman to begin to suspect that the actual saying is ìI am my kidís
mom,î not ìI am my ex-boyfriendís mom.î
There are times to interrupt a meal with your partner to take a
friendís call, or even an ex-partnerís call ó like when itís coming
from the emergency room, the bail bondsman, or the space shuttle:
ìHouston, we have a problem . . . ì ìThis is Houston. Say again,
please.î ìWell, this big meanie just refused to pull up in the left
turn lane, and I was stuck there for three whole lights!î
Donít mistake this ìGirlfriends Without Bordersî act for some kind of
selfless humanitarianism. She might care for him, but her real
motivation is probably being too busy with safe, ego-boosting mommylove
to risk real attachment in grownup love with you. Meanwhile, if she
takes over for this guy much more, heís likely to devolve into a giant
amoeba with one big finger for telephone dialing.
But, letís give credit where credit is due. You canít have ìGirlfriends
Without Bordersî without ìBoyfriends Without Boundaries.î (That would
be you, Mr. Poodle.) It sounds like sheís not the only one with
abandonment issues. Why else would you sit there like a big
ventriloquistís dummy while she regularly dumps you in the middle of
dinner or a movie to go off on a phone date with her ex? (And, what is
it this time, cancer of the hangnail?)
If you insist on being treated like you matter, there is the danger
that sheíll leave you for good. (Thatís worse than being left daily?)
Time to go rent a pair of snap-on testicles. For operating
instructions, buy the book ìNo More Mr. Nice Guyî by Dr. Robert A.
Glover. Tell her what you need to be happy, and if she screams and
yells and says sheís leaving, say very calmly, ìThatís really a shame,
Iíll miss you.î Let her know that the next time she gets up from the
table to take his call, youíre not waiting around for her, youíre going
out to the bar. And then do it. Grab your cell phone, take a stroll to
the corner and ring in on call waiting: ìYour mashed potatoes are
getting cold, and so is your boyfriend.î
The rest of the story
My 40-year-old girlfriend and I travel to spend most holidays at her
sisterís. We have a good time. Everyoneís gracious. But, because my
girlfriend and I arenít married, at bedtime, Iím sent to the basement.
Itís cold. The air mattress leaks. The sump pump runs noisily. The
family cat walks across my face. Last time, I said, ìForget this, letís
go to a motel.î My girlfriend said that would lessen the ìjoyî of the
family visit, and that I donít understand her familyís Lutheran ways.
ó Basement Bob
You two ìlive in sin,î yet, at 40, youíre expected to vacation in
hypocrisy. Her family knows youíre having sex, but theyíd rather
pretend youíre not. Your girlfriend knows youíre uncomfortable cuddling
up to the sump pump, but sheíd rather pretend youíre not. Youíre the
only one whoís having difficulty keeping up the pretense ó probably
because youíre the only one whose ìsleep numberî starts out air
mattress and ends up cold concrete. Donít be all ìletís goî to a motel.
Tell your girlfriend that a good nightís sleep is non-negotiable.
Either she goes with your work-around, the motel, or she goes visiting
alone. Much as you enjoy spending holidays with her family, you have a
hard time feeling the ìjoyî when the catís using your face as a
treadmill.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
† (www.advicegoddess.com).
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