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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Iím a 49-year-old guy, and when I met my girlfriend of six months she told me she was 30. Our 19-year age difference worried me, but she said it was cool with her. A few weeks ago, I inadvertently discovered sheís really 39. She admitted it, apologized, and said she didnít know why she didnít tell me. Iím glad sheís 39, but should I be worried about this kind of dishonesty spilling over into other areas?
≠ó Trust Tested
ìBeauty is truth,î wrote Keats. Clearly, Keats never experienced
underwire, implants, or those little silicone patties women stick in
their bras. (Thereís a reason they donít call them ìtruthsies.î)
The truth is, beauty is rarely truth, and typically the product of a
massive disinformation campaign. If you think about it, even deodorant
is a lie ó and may be a ìgateway drugî to lipo, Botox, and lips by
Goodyear. For liars on more of a budget, there are those pantyhose that
squeeze a size 16 woman into a size six woman ó until she passes out
and has to be removed from her nylons by paramedics wielding the ìJaws
of Life.î
Men, too, lie about their looks ó with Rogaine, hair plugs, socks in
the crotch, and the untucked shirt hiding the really big gut.
And then,
because women are into fiscal good looks, a manís more likely to
introduce himself as ìa consultantî instead of ìunemployed,î or to live
in a treehouse heís sublet from some kid so he can make the payments on
his Jag.
Accordingly, a girl who turns the clock back nine years is lying, but
there are lie-lies and there are like-me lies, and they shouldnít be
assigned the same point value. Back when you were, say, just some cute
stranger in a bar, her age-shaving was a like-me lie. But, then you
started dating. There was a grace period (two dates, three dates) in
which she couldíve played the silly girl card, and said, ìTee hee, I
have a confession to make. I liked you so much I told this stupid lie!î
Instead, she stuck to her deception ó even though she knew that the
truth wouldíve made you feel much better. The coverup turned it into a
lie-lie ó a sign of questionable character ó and probably led to some
fast talking about how old she was when she got her first mullet.
Will her dishonesty spill into other areas? Itís possible. Letís look
at the area youíre probably most worried about ó some other guyís
bedroom. Researchers Todd Shackelford and David Buss gave a battery of
tests to 107 married couples, and found three personality traits common
to those more susceptible to infidelity. The first is narcissism ó
being self-absorbed, self-important, lacking in empathy, and prone to
exploiting others. Next on the list are low conscientiousness and high
ìpsychoticism,î clinical terms for a personality marked by impulsivity,
unreliability, and an inability to delay gratification.
Even if some or all of this sounds disturbingly familiar, it doesnít
necessarily mean sheíll stray. Donít bother asking her whether you can
trust her (whatís she going to say, ìProbably notî?). Just act like you
can so you can observe her in unguarded moments and learn the truth
without her knowing sheís telling it. In time, you should get a sense
of whether sheís just insecure, and insecure about admitting to it ó or
inclined to take those ìlittle shortcuts of lifeî more accurately known
as lying, cheating, and relocating to the Caribbean with the contents
of your bank account.Bawdy And Soul
Iíve been with my girlfriend for six months. Everythingís going well,
except that Iíve never really been attracted to her, which makes it
difficult to be physical. My friends say I should stay with her but
cheat to fill my need to be with someone Iím attracted to. It was hard
just to find a good relationship, and I feel shallow and mean following
their advice, but I donít want to let her go.
ó Frustrated
Do your dates typically take place under a giant sneeze guard? Because
you seem to be confusing your relationship with a salad bar. You claim
you have ìa good relationship,î yet six months in, youíre already
eyeing the booty buffet. You say you donít want to let your girlfriend
go ó meaning, youíd rather chance her catching you in bed with some
skank so she can run out, screaming and crying, of her own accord?
(Shall we cue the cartoon lovebirds now, or wait until she stops using
your bat to reconfigure your car?) Dump her ó itís the sweetest thing
you can do. Let her find a guy who also appreciates her for whatís
inside ó but manages to look at whatís outside as more than a reminder
to have sex with somebody else.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
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www.advicegoddess.com).
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