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Tuesday, 01 May 2007 17:59 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
I am 22, and my boyfriend of 15 months is 41. He has an extremely difficult time expressing any affection or emotion, and our physical intimacy has been dwindling despite my efforts to seduce him. His family says Iím the first girl heís brought home since 1987, and his longest relationship. Theyíre rooting for me, and say I should call them if he starts pushing me away. They want him to have a family, and he says he wants one, too, but has never come close. I realize Iím young, but for the first time, I feel selfless. I would happily sacrifice my happiness for his. Itís so important to me that he is able to become a father, even if it is not with me. But, maybe our age difference means we were supposed to meet so I can bear his children. I strongly believe this man is my soul mate, even if he is not so sure. How do I keep from going crazy while not pressuring him so much that I lose him?
ó Holding Pattern
Just what every kid needs, a father whoís incapable of expressing any
affection or emotion. Should work wonders when your little girl wakes
up screaming for her daddy to protect her from the monsters. Oops,
Daddy doesnít do hugs. Could she work with a pat on the back, or maybe
a nice firm handshake?
As for you, proud holder of the title, ìFirst Girl Heís Brought Home
Since 1987,î Iím guessing the others didnít find emotional constipation
such a strong selling point. Apparently, it works for you. (Pops was a
cold chap?) Clearly, you donít want a man whoís affectionate. If you
did, youíd be with one. It seems what you really want is a challenge:
Go where no woman has gone before! Only you can unlock the love within!
(Yeah? Wanna bet?) When a guy shows you heís incapable of affection,
the appropriate response isnít to latch onto him like a tick and go
celebrate with his family.
Chances are, your parents sent you through school so you could make
something of yourself, not make something of a broken, middle-aged man.
At 22, youíre faced with all these big questions: Who are you, where
are you going, what are you doing? The answer shouldnít be making some
guy your project in hopes of avoiding the looming uncertainties of you.
Once you actually do the work to develop a self, you might be a little
pickier about where you sacrifice it: maybe for world peace, or for
those little babies with the distended bellies ó not for a guy who
wonít caress your neck unless you call his mother and get her to talk
him into it.
Putting aside how silly it is to believe that everybody has one
designated ìsoul mateî (some women say that about each of their six
husbands), you canít actually believe yours is a guy whose emotional
availability rivals that of a cinderblock. Instead of clinging to this
picture of the life you could have if only he were completely
different, why not ditch him and work toward the life you could have if
you were completely different? Like, if you had a strong self, felt you
deserved to be happy, and to have love in your life. It beats setting
yourself on a path to wake up at 30, bitter and resentful, realizing
you arenít the only couple in need of marital aids ó just probably the
only one turning to gallon jugs of de-icer and a portable defibrillator.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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