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Tuesday, 17 April 2007 17:42 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Your advice to the woman who slapped the man in the bar who tried to guess her age, weight, and bra size was completely disgraceful. Yes, she overreacted somewhat; however, your comment ìTo avoid attention from men, hold girlsí night out in a convent, not a barî was appalling. The conversation was obnoxious no matter how drunk the guy was. I donít feel she acted like a victim, but like a woman strong enough to handle herself. For that I applaud her! Women and men alike should be able to go anywhere and be treated with respect. My guess is that you believe women should also expect to be raped if they go through the wrong part of town!
ó Enraged
ìWomen and men alike should be able to go anywhere and be treated with
respect.î Yes, they should! And I should be a rock star/Nobel
Prize-winning physicist and live rent-free in Bel Air. And Osama bin
Laden should renounce terrorism and devote the rest of his life to
crocheting iPod sleeves in the form of bunnies and turtles while
whistling ìIíd Like To Teach The World To Sing.î
Unfortunately, Iím still waiting for MapQuest directions to Utopia.
Until I get them, Iím compelled to give advice for people who live in
the real world ó where Osama isnít known for his slip stitch, the best
manners arenít found at the bottom of a beer mug, and where Iíll have a
shot at the Nobel the day they start giving it away on lottery
scratchers.
If Albert Ellis, one of the fathers of cognitive behavioral therapy,
heard what happened in the bar, heíd probably quote the Greek
philosopher Epictetus: ìWhat disturbs [peopleís] minds is not events
but their judgments on events.î A woman whoís convinced of the idea of
men as oppressors ó especially one whoís been brain-snatched by the
Victim-Industrial Complex feminism has become ó will see everything
through victim-vision. An extreme case is ìfeminist vegetarian
theoristî Carol J. Adams, who claims eating meat promotes the
subjugation of women, and, according to ìThe Harvard Crimson,î ìcalled
asparagus a phallic symbol and said parsley was representative of pubic
hair.î (No word on what it means if your mashed potatoes resemble Betty
Friedan.)
So, some drunk asks your bra size. You can outsmart him, out-funny him,
or treat him like a bar snack stuck to the bottom of your shoe. But,
delivering a lecture in womenís studies at the top of your lungs, then
smacking him one? You donít do this because you feel powerful, but
because you have the self-image of ìSquash me, Iím a bug.î If youíre
looking to effect change, consider the difference between ìlosing your
temperî and directing your temper like a laser. Rage is toxic. Stress
hormones shut off your ability to reason, and turn your body into a
little shop of poisons. This is your idea of empowerment? Well, that,
and the notion that men who hit women are guilty of assault, but women
who hit men are worthy of . . . applause?
Life is a hostile workplace. Approach it accordingly. The woman in
question wrote, ìThe last thing I wanted was attention from men,î but
proceeded to run off to a pickup joint. This makes about as much sense
as going to a packed stadium for a little solitude, or holding your
A.A. meeting in the corner liquor store. As for whether women should
expect to be raped in a dodgy part of town, well, admitting itís a
possibility seems a better defense than celebrating your freedom to jog
in a short skirt through dark alleys shouting, ìTake back the night!î
and ìNo means no!î
Gay hide parade
My boyfriend of seven months is still in the closet. I understand, and
can handle the times we canít go out because heís seeing his straight
friends, etc. My friends, however, resent that heís in his 30s and
still closeted, think heís being disrespectful, and warn that what we
have isnít real. Can a relationship work between a guy whoís out and a
guy who isnít?
ó Openly Me
Sure it can ó until ìout of the closet and into the living roomî just
isnít enough for ìOpenly You.î What then? Do you make him a porta-potty
closet on wheels, roll him out to dinner and shove a plate of food
through the slot? Sure, you can understand what heís going through, get
him the Rob Eichberg book, ìComing Out: An Act Of Love,î and encourage
him by telling him how well itís worked for you. But, eventually, you
should realize that the essential question isnít whether your
relationship is real, but whether itís realistic. Relationships are
compromise, but ideally, this means hashing out whether to eat Chinese
or Italian ó not who gets to wear the Ronald Reagan mask to the
restaurant and who gets stuck going as Nixon.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
www.advicegoddess.com).
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