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The Advice Goddess: January 2019
Thursday, 03 January 2019 12:10

Things that go bump in the knight

I’m confused. Does treating women as equals mean not doing those things that would previously have been considered chivalrous, like opening doors and giving a woman your coat? What’s now considered polite, and what’s considered offensive?
— Bewildered


The response by some women these days to men’s well-intentioned acts must tempt at least a few men to swing entirely in the other direction: “Let’s see ...I  could open the car door for my date — or start to drive off and let her throw herself across the hood and hang on.”

To these women, chivalry is “benevolent sexism,” affectionate but patronizing sexism —  a way of treating women that suggests they are in need of men’s help and protection. It involves things like opening doors and offering to carry a heavy item for a female colleague and being the one who runs for the car in a downpour — instead of handing the girlfriend the keys and announcing, “I’ll just wait here under the awning!” 

Research has found that benevolent sexism can be undermining to women -- even leading them to feel less competent at their job. However, complicating things a bit, new research by social psychologists Pelin Gul and Tom R. Kupfer finds that women —  including women with strong feminist beliefs — are attracted to men with benevolently sexist attitudes and behaviors despite (!) finding these men “patronizing and undermining.” The researchers theorize that what women are actually attracted to is the underlying signal of benevolently sexist behavior — that “a man is willing to invest” (in them and any children they might have together).

Frankly, even I engage in benevolent, uh, something or other -- like by holding the door open for any person, male or female, coming up to an entrance behind me — simply because it’s nice for one human to look out for another. Or, as my mother would put it, it’s genteel. 

Ultimately, your best bet is behaving as genteelly as you would if you had no idea about benevolent sexism. Most women will probably appreciate it — even if a few of them say “Thank you ... that’s very nice of you!” in language more along the lines of “Screw off, you medieval cretin!” 


Her Beta half

In a documentary on Lady Gaga, she talked about how whenever she reached a new pinnacle of success, her boyfriend or fiance left her. It happened three times. My most recent boyfriend couldn’t handle it when I started to become successful. Are my options to be successful and alone or unsuccessful and loved? How do I find someone who won’t feel threatened?
— Disturbed


It’s often hard for a man who’s achieved less than the woman he’s with. She introduces him with “Meet my boyfriend...” and he imagines everybody finishing her thought with “... the man whose job it is to eat treats out of my hand like a squirrel.”

Wave hello to “precarious manhood,” a term coined by psychologists Jennifer Bosson and Joseph Vandello for how a man’s social status must be continually earned and “can be lost relatively easily” through public failures and the exposure of his shortcomings. We rack up our social standing in comparison with others. So, not surprisingly -- in line with research I recently cited about men’s freakouts when they were told a woman beat them in every category on an exam — Bosson and Vandello write that “feelings of masculinity can be undone” by “being outperformed by a woman.”

The reality is, the world is not our dating oyster. (Atheists have to take a pass on the hot churchgoers. The teetotalers go poorly with the “social crack smokers.”) Accept that success narrows your options, and concentrate on meeting men in places the honchos (or at least the highly successful) hang out. (Price points — like costly admission to a charity event — are one way to weed out many of those of middling achievement.) 

Narrowing the field this way should make you less likely to hear dismaying parting words from a man — those that basically translate to “I have mad respect for your success. My penis, unfortunately, has some ambivalence.“



Girls just wanna have funding?

I’m a 34-year-old man, newly single after a relationship that started in college. Though I love the work I do running a small nonprofit, I don’t make tons of money. I’m worried that my inability to “provide” in any sort of lavish way will make it hard for me to attract post-college women. Do I need to win the lottery?
— Making A Difference


It is best if the dream date you’re proposing isn’t all in the presentation: “We have reservations tonight at a cozy new hot spot — my studio apartment with the heat that won’t shut off. Dress tropical!”

I do often write about how women evolved to prefer male partners with high status— men with the ability to “provide” (like by being a hotshot spearmeister who regularly brings home the bison, earning others’ respect and loyalty). However, what’s important to note — and what has some bearing on your chances with the ladies — is that ancestral humans lacked anything resembling “wealth” (portable, conservable assets).

Though no modern woman wants a man who lives paycheck advance to paycheck advance, there’s hope for you — from research on one of the few cultures today in which men aren’t the primary earners. Political scientist Nechumi Yaffe looked at ultra-Orthodox Jews in Israel — a community in which the men spend all day hunched over studying the Torah and the women are the breadwinners.

Yaffe finds that, as in other cultures, the men the ultra-Orthodox women prefer as mates are those who are the best in their “field” — which, in this community, comes out of the level of “religious devotion and piety” the men show. In other words, though men’s status is a vital mating asset across cultures, “how status is achieved may be culturally specific.”

As for you, I’m guessing you don’t work at a nonprofit because you hit your head and forgot to become a cold corporate tool. You’re surely part of a community that shares your beliefs about the importance of making a difference. Chances are, many of the women in your world don’t want some money-worshipping hedge fund buttknuckle.

In other words, to ramp up your status, you need to stand out as a top do-gooder — like by coming up with and implementing innovative ideas to ease people’s suffering and make the world a better place.

This should make you extremely attractive to a woman with similar values — the sort who spends time every week beautifying the planet ... and not because picking up trash along the highway is a condition of her probation for her DUI.


 (c.) 2019, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ( Weekly radio show:




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