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The Advice Goddess: November 2014
Friday, 07 November 2014 22:34

The agony of delete still stings

Q: -- I just had the humiliating experience of being dumped via email. I’d been seeing the guy for three months. Just days before, we had a romantic date, and he kept saying things like “We’re so good together” and was very lovey-dovey. In the email, he said he realized that we aren’t compatible, because I’m too driven and career-focused and he needs a more traditional woman. Why did he never mention this before? How does a guy who was very affectionate for months suddenly take to the computer to send you a quick note that it’s over? I’m so hurt and confused by how he handled this.
— Devastated

Unfortunately, personal disasters like getting dumped get none of the funding and attention of natural disasters. There’s no early warning system to make that annoying sound on your TV, and FEMA doesn’t show up the day after with pallets of Kleenex and vodka.

Making matters worse, this guy didn’t just dump you; he robo-dumped you. It’s okay to take to the Internet to break up with your cable company or somebody you’ve gone out with a few times. But once you have a relationship with a person, you owe it to them to sit down with them and tell them it’s over; you don’t get to shove your dirty work off on their phone, their computer, or their vacuum cleaner.

Being willing to put yourself in misery’s way and break up face to face preserves the other person’s dignity — their feeling that they have value. “Subj: we r thru,” on the other hand, suggests that they don’t matter; their feelings don’t matter; all that matters is discarding them in the most expedient way. The pre-Internet equivalent would be breaking up via postcard — maybe “Scenic Lake Minnetonka: Wish You Were Here!” but with the “Here!” crossed out and replaced with “Beer!”

As for how a guy can be all snookieloviepoo one day and all “go away, career lady” the next, chances are, he fell in love — with the feeling of being in love.

Early on, with all the sexytime hormones rushing, it’s easy to forget to step back and do the “Hey, wonder whether we’re compatible” check. Eventually, the hormone high wears off, and incompatibilities get highlighted instead of blurred. It’s normal to feel guilty for not noting them sooner. But it’s a stew of guilt and bad character that has a guy taking the e-weenie way out — telling you it’s over with a bonus link at the bottom informing you that there’s never been a better time to enlarge your penis.

When life gives you a wedgie, you can mitigate the hurt by reframing it as a protective experience — one that keeps you from falling into a similar hole in the future.

Maybe you can use this to be mindful of asking questions, early on, about the kind of lifestyle and temperament a guy’s most comfortable with, which could help you spot the red flags instead of using them as bedsheets.

Weeding out the wrong guys fast will keep you on track to finding the right one — the man who wants a woman who’s breaking through the glass ceiling instead of just getting up on a stepstool and Windexing it. 
(c.) 2014, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail

Christmas Jam sparklers to include Vince Gill
Friday, 07 November 2014 21:47

From Staff Reports

Warren Haynes will bring his 26th Annual Christmas Jam to Asheville’s U.S. Cellular Center on Dec. 13 — and Vince Gill is expected to be among the show’s top attractions. 

Doors open at 6 p.m. and the show begins at 7 p.m. 

One of the most celebrated and longest-running live concerts in the U.S., the Christmas Jam will benefit the Asheville Area Habitat for Humanity for the 16th year in a row.

Haynes recently presented the organization with a record-breaking $500,000 in Christmas Jam proceeds from last year’s epic, sold-out Silver Anniversary event.

Each year, the Christmas Jam sets the stage for surprise collaborations, rare appearances and musical sets that rock into the wee hours of the morning.

The tradition is sure to continue with this year’s line-up, part of which has been announced Oct. 6 to help mark it as World Habitat Day.

This will be Country Music Hall of Famer Vince Gill’s first Christmas Jam appearance, despite Gill and Haynes having tried to make it work in the past and schedules not working out until now.

Gill has sold more than 26 million albums and is a two-time CMA Entertainer of the Year. He has earned 20 Grammy Awards (the most of any country artist) and is tied with George Straight for having won the most CMA Male Vocalist Awards.

Gill has achieved commercial success and fame both as frontman to the country rock band Pure Prairie League in the 1970s, and as a solo artist beginning in 1983, where his talents as a vocalist and musician have placed him in high demand as a guest vocalist and a duet partner.

Listed alphabetically, ither artists scheduled to perform include Billy & The Kids (a new group formed by Grateful Dead founding member Bill Kreutzmann with Aaron Magner of The Disco Biscuits), Reed Mathis of Tea Leaf Green, Tom Hamilton of American Babies and Brothers Past, Gov’t Mule, Hard Working Americans (featuring Todd Snider, Dave Schools, Neal Casal, Chad Staehly and Duane Trucks), and Jason Isbell with his band, The Revivalists.

This will be Kreutzmann’s second appearance at the event, having previously performed in 2005 as part of a one-time only supergroup with Phish’s Trey Anastasio and Mike Gordon. 

Jason Isbell, who will be making his triumphant return to Christmas Jam after a seven-year absence, recently swept The Americana Awards, nabbing Artist of the Year and Song of the Year for “Cover Me Up,” as well as the night’s top honor: Album of the Year for his post-sobriety triumph “Southeastern.” 

Christmas Jam is widely known for its array of special guest performers, who will be announced in the coming weeks along with other additions to the line-up.

VIP tickets and travel packages went on-sale Oct. 9. The pre-sale began Oct. 13 and the public on-sale began Oct. 17.

There will also once again be a slew of “Xmas Jam By Day” events, including daytime concerts and special events well as “Before The Jam Lend A Hand,” where volunteers can help build the houses made possible by Christmas Jam donations.

Complete details on the events will be announced in the upcoming weeks. To stay up-to-date on Christmas Jam information, visit the website, Facebook and Twitter (@xmasjam).






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